These are suggestions offered by experts, parents and children.
Discuss Death
Many experts say talking about death early on helps shape kid’s understanding over the matter. It’s even more important to discuss this issue when they show interest. This is not dependent however on a certain age. For example, I wouldn't say don't talk to children under age three or five. Watch the child's experience -- if they come across a pet that dies, or when they wonder what it's like when you say you're going to a funeral. Or it might be that some child needs to know something about death, such as if a grandparent is ill and dying and you need to prepare the child.
Share Values
What is it you do to make meaning out of life and death? This would be an important topic to discuss with your children. Doctor Charles A. Corr, PhD, person who has taught courses on death and dying since 1975, suggested parents “… to tell children that other people might have other values or beliefs that they use to understand death, but I wouldn't just tell a child a story about a belief that I didn't accept or have confidence in just to comfort the child.” Creating a purpose for a little one early on makes understanding life in general far easier. In fact many parents say sharing their values for living has not only helped their children understand death better but also created an ambition to find a purpose for their own lives.
Don’t Push it Off
In today’s society we often push off questions about death, more so in the company of children. Like a foul word we spell out rather than pronounce as some asinine way to hide from children most likely already familiar with the term. Death isn’t something to hide. Understanding that having conversations regarding the end are uncomfortable a method to reduce this is to simply address it. Death is too much a part of life to go through existence without accepting such a certainty. In fact you may find your child less troubled by the subject since they have no negative preconceived notion associated to death yet. If you find yourself necessitating support approaching this situation you’re in luck, resources are abundant. There are books for adults to help children with death. There are books for children that focus on death-related topics. In many places there are support groups for grieving children. The question is the effort in the part of the parent to realize this may be an issue that needs to be address.
How Someone Dies Does Affects a Child
The way a person dies affects a child’s grieving process. When someone near in the family passes away children can be affected in a variety of ways these depending of course on the child’s maturity and relationship with the deceased individual. Issues like abandonment, anxiety of dying and depression are likely to follow. This is when children need to know that there will always be someone to take care of them. Tell them your plan for their care if something should happen to you and the other parent. This may also not be the easiest conversation to have with your little ones for its negative tone but children receive comfort in knowing there will be cared for. This would also be a good time to turn off the news and avoiding discussing world tribulations. Their world has just been introduced to a sad reality they’ll need to take one thing at a time as it comes. Above all avoid making promises that you cannot keep, such as declaring that you promise that the loved one will return safely. Setting this false expectation can be very harmful and plain dishonest. Part of the grieving process is overcoming the permanency in death.
Along the same lines deaths by suicide or homicide can be exceptionally challenging for young hearts. Getting support from family and friends will remind both you and your child of the strength in your family unit.
Dad/Mom is Leaving for Military Deployment
Military deployment may bring up similar symptoms as losing a parent. There is no assurance for the safe return of the loved one. Since deployment is unpredictable avoid telling children an exact date of return. If you’ve lost a spouse you’ll also need to care for yourself which is where the importance of having a safety net is critical. Before you can speak definitely you’ll need to process this death yourself. Friends, family and support groups will pave the way to a recovery. Be honest about how you feel and encourage your children to talk with you. Mary M. Lyles, MSW, LCSW from the Children's Grief Education Association emphasizes the importance of honest with this story:
“Justin was eight when his dad was sent into combat. Even though his dad
explained that his job kept him out of the front lines and his helmet was bullet
proof, Justin stated that his helmet could be knocked off and a rocket could come
over the front lines and get his dad. Justin refused to be consoled and required
several months after his father’s safe return to experience reduced anxiety.”
Honestly is important. We cannot escape the reality of war. We are confronted with statistics on TV, online, in the newspaper. It may be best to limit media exposure. Sensational reporting can increase anxiety and fears. Communication makes a difference.
Here are some great resources for you to use.
Children’s grief responses and how to help
How to help chart for children following a death
Support group locator
If any other suggestions please post them in our comment box.
Best wishes,
-Katherine @kidscamps.com
